Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Winkys!
by coldgravy
Summary: When Ahsoka consumes an entire box of fatty British candies and gets overweight and lazy, Captain Rex finds himself in a better, higher level of respect. But that ends when Rex and his buddies find a genie lamp that Anakin steals to help Ahsoka.
1. Coin Flip

The post on Ellevia (made-up planet) during the Battle of Ellevia presented Anakin, Ahsoka, Captain Rex and Torrent Company with more action than any battle they had fought yet. Everyday Captain Rex would watch dropships come and deploy armored AATs and battle droids into battle, so it seemed that they came back from the dead to multiply.

That evening, while the Separatists were at their fortress 2 miles away, everyone was deciding who would take guard duty; One of the most boring, yet most dangerous jobs. "Call it Rex, heads or tails!", Anakin said, after the candidates had been narrowed down to Ahsoka and Rex. Right before the quarter hit the floor Rex yelled, "TAILS!" and just like that, the coin become tails.

"Aw butter!", Ahsoka muttered. "Well Ahsoka, prepare for a long night," Anakin told her. "Can I bring food and drinks?" Anakin consulted one of the clone troopers, Pine, and he approved of Ahsoka's idea. "Alright. But nothing too sugary. You might pass out or hallucinate."

Little did Anakin know, Ahsoka smuggled a 6 pack of YooHoo® chocolate milk, oatmeal cookies and British candy.

The candy were called Winkys, a foreign chocolate and caramel ball containing 350 calories per piece of candy (Hard to believe, isn't it). In fact, the box said in big, bold print that was impossible to miss by anybody but Ahsoka under serving size: 1 piece per week.

Well apparently Ahsoka didn't give a damn about the serving size. She gulped down every piece of candy there was in the box, then ate the box, before throwing up and ultimately passing out in a sugar high.


	2. Rex and R2D2

That's how Ahsoka ended up on an LA/ATi heading for the medical station in the atmosphere of the planet, 2 times rounder, from all the junk food consumed. From what the medical droid told Anakin and his troopers, when Ahsoka wolfed down the box, it caused her stomach to expand, and stabbed at other organs nearby. "_Smart move Ahsoka_", the author muttered as he wrote this comedy.

"What're we gonna do without Ahsoka?", Rex asked Anakin, speechlessly staring at the recently removed box. "Oh my God Ahsoka, didn't the Jedi Council teach you not to eat boxes in elementary school. My Lord!"

After a loud, "involuntary" burp, Ahsoka replied in a weaker voice, as a result of the box-removing surgery, "I'm...sorry. I... got carried away..." "Got 'carried' away is frickin' right. My God." "Uh sir," Rex chimed in, "What will we do without our second in command?" "Rex, if it gets you to shut up, YOU are in charge until Ahsoka gets better." "No sir, I'm not ready for that commitment." "Oh, so you'd rather have R2-D2 take charge?", Anakin sarcastically replied. Rex stared at R2, and the astromech droid looked right back at him. Shuddering, the clone captain accepted Anakin's terms.


	3. Beach Parties and the ER

Captain Rex was having the time of his life ever since he said "Yes" to Anakin's request. He didn't have a 14 year old bossing him around anymore, he didn't have to get embarrassed in front of his brothers, wipe pee off of toilet seats in bathrooms etc, while a sick, bloated Ahsoka hat to lie for at least a week on a stretcher that smelled like it had never been washed before, eat small portioned meals, in pain while lowly Clone Captain Rex could snap his fingers and get a smoothie from Pine (CT-5448 made awesome mango-watermelon mixes) whenever he felt like it.

While Captain Rex, Pine, and 3 other clones hosted a party on the shoreline near their base, Ahsoka lay on the hospital bunk, feeling like two things:

She was pregnant,

She let Torrent Company down.

It was really depressing. _If Rex never cheated during the coin flip, she wouldn't need to sneak the Winkys. If she hadn't snuck the Winkys, she wouldn't have ate all the candy. If she hadn't ate all the candy, she wouldn't need to sustain her appetite by swallowing an entire cardboard/paper/whatever material it was box. If she didn't consume a box, she wouldn't be in the ER. _


	4. The Genie

Although Anakin liked Captain Rex as his right-hand man, he still missed Ahsoka in some creepy fashion. Plus, what Rex and his pals did during their free time, things like smoke cigarettes, play race-car driving games on an Xbox 360, and pull practical jokes on everyone, the clones, the enemy battle droids (Which was good at times) and once even Anakin (Hand-in-a-bowl-of-warm-water trick).

One night, when Pine agreed to be lookout officer, Rex and 4 others snuck out into the battlefield to bury a corpse (those morons thought it would be funny), and when trooper Mako uncovered some gold object shaped like a tea pot, Rex and his gang started cracking up.

It was a genie lamp some idiot buried on a battlefield. Rex spat on it, but the spit slid down the side, and for some weird reason, the genie emerged with a cheerful greeting.

"Okay, here are the rules: No kill-" "Yeah, yeah cut the fast talk you mystical piece of sh-" "HEY! Quit makin' fun of my mother!" "I WASN'T EVEN TALKING ABOUT YOUR MOTHER!" "YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!" "WHATEVER! Just gimme me my wishes!" "Well what do you want, 'Robo?"

When Rex tried to think of an idea, his mind went blank.


	5. Genie Magic

"General! We've found a genie!", Rex and company said with envy, "He's gonna give us 3 magical wishes! What should we wish for?" It only took 3 seconds for Anakin to come up with an idea. "Well, if you can't think of anything, gimme the lamp." "Why?" "Well ONE, I said so, two-" "What're you going to wish for?" "For my Padawan to be freed from that retarded hospital. Genie whose name I do not know, I wish..." "Sir, I'm warnin' you! You may be my general, but-"

"...Ahsoka was freed..." "You'd better not!", Rex yelled with rage. "...From the hospital and in this room." "NOOOOOOO!!!!", a furious Captain Rex yelled as the genie pointed both fingers at a corner of the room and mumbled some mumbo-jumbo that Rex couldn't translate. Standing before them was Ahsoka, looking better, but she was still round in the lower torso. With a second wish, Ahsoka's stomach went into "Rampage Mode" and digested all the Winkys, and ultimately healed.


	6. Epilogue

"And", Ahsoka began to say, "I wish you were free!" "NOOO!!!" Rex cried. "YESSSS!!!", shouted the triumphant genie, and escaped. "Rex, if it makes you any happier, take a bucket, a mop and 2 other losers and clean the bathrooms." Rex's eyes sank back in his head upon entering the 3d stall.

THE END Y'ALL


End file.
